My current slew of emotoins:
Happy- I dont even know if happy is the word for it. Take happy and multiply it by a hundred. What word is that? I find myself smiling every day lately. I am so happy that this miracle has finally happened.
Amazed- I am amazed at everything going on inside of me that I cant even feel. Everyday I read about what development is going on and, even though I know all babies go through this same development, I cant help telling my baby "wow, you are soooo amazing! You are working so hard every day to develop! You are truly miraculous and strong!" I am amazed at all that is going on in such a tiny little being.
Sad- I am sad for everyone out there that is still fighting the infertility battle. Sad that so many havent gotten their miracle yet. I find myself thinking of them often.
Scared- I'm afraid at being so happy in the first trimester. I am terrified of miscarriage, I am not sure I could cope with that. I am not convinced I am strong enough to handle that. I cant wait to get through the next couple months so I feel more safe.
Excited- I am excited for my Mom. She has waited for this for just as long as I have. She has been there for me through it all, and the one person that I could talk about all my feelings, even the ones I was slightly ashamed of. She is excited for me, too. I am so greatful I have her to share this joy and miracle with.
Anxious- I am anxious to hear the heartbeat, anxious to feel it kick, anxious to know if I am having a boy or girl, and most of all, anxious to know if I am carrying one or more. I have been on Clomid which increases ovulation. But I wasnt on it becuase of not ovulating. So, the vision I have going through my head is.... I was on Clomid for five months increasing ovulation but had problems with my ovaries. Once I had the surgery and all was fixed I envision all those eggs bursting out and getting fertilized. I know I am probably way off but I cant get that though out of my mind. I will be happy with whatever I have. I am not sure how prepared I am for multiples, but I will have plenty of time to get ready. Besides, are you ever REALLY ready for several babies at once? Especially like 4 or 5! I am thinking that if it is more than one that it is two, no more.
So those are my emotions right now. With the way I am going these days, I'll have a whole different list tomorrow!
Bailing or Failing
15 hours ago