Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Greatest Husband

My husband is sooo great! Right now he is out of town and I really miss him. On Sunday, I was having some issues (pain) from the surgery I had and had several 'chores' that I kept meaning to do all weekend but I kept procrastinating. All I wanted to do on Sunday is curl up on the couch. My Husband did the tasks for me that I had been meaning to do. He didnt complain about it (which really surprises me because he HATES when I procrastinate). One of the things he did is one of the most pain in the butt chores that I needed to get done. We make wine, and about two weeks ago my friend and I each started a batch of apple cinnamon wine with local produce. About two weeks after starting a batch you have to ciphon the wine from the primary fermenter (plastic bucket) to the carboy (6 gallon glass jug). Before ciphoning it you have to sanitize all the equipment, then ciphon it into the new container, then test the alcohol content and sugar level, then clean all the the equipment really well. It isnt so bad when you can sample the wine while you are doing it, or at least have a glass of wine. It is really just time consuming and can be a pain when you really dont feel like doing it at all. Sunday, not only did he rack my wine, but also my friend's wine. What a sweetheart! Usually he likes to relax on Sunday when he is working out of town because he knows the next day he has to leave and stay in a hotel all week. Great husband!

Babies, babies, everywhere!! My brothers ex just had a baby (see previous post) my husband's cousin just had a baby that we visited on Saturday, I just visited a friend who has a baby last week (we actually were hoping to have babies at the same time, he is 5 months old now and I am not even pregnant!), I visited a pregnant friend yesterday (I hadnt seen her in quite awhile so it was really nice visiting!), it seems that babies are surrounding me right now! So, it is no surprise that I had a dream last night that I found out I was pregnant. In my dream I was at work (weird since I work from home but in my dream I worked in an office) and was so excited when I found out that I ran out of the bathroom waving around my pee stick with my pants off! I guess I had taken them off to pee on the stick and didnt put them back on. Other than the running around with no pants on waving around a stick I had just peed on, I was really bummed to wake up and realize it was just a dream. Ah well, It isnt the first pregnant dream I have had and it certainly will not be the last!

I am about half way through the 2week wait. Waiting to see if I start, or if I can take a pregnancy test. I am pretty hopeful this month, which kind of sucks because it makes the 2ww seem longer and the disappointment will be worse if I am not pregnant. Hopefully, I will not have to have too many more months like this.

Until next time....

Saturday, October 25, 2008

More Details

I am a little late in posting this, but last Tuesday I had my follow up with my doc. She explained everything really well. She showed me pictures of my insides (they look a bit different than I expected!). My ovaries were completely fused to my pelvis, uterus and tubes. She was able to cut one free completely but the other one was so stuck to the other organs that she wasnt able to free it completely. She said that on the side that is still partially stuck, my tube may not work normally even though it is not blocked. So, every other month (when I ovulate on that side) my chances of conceiving are much lower.

The cause for the ovaries fusing together is most likely old endometriosis but she did not find any active.

She also showed me on the photos that one ovary was twice the size of the other one due to a large cyst. She ruptured it during surgery and drained it and it should be fine now.

She increased my dose of Clomid and extended my prescription (ugggh, I hate clomid!). I have been on it for 5 months and will be taking it another three. I get headaches and hot flashes really bad on it and am extremely irritable.

My doc said that the next two months are my best chances for conceiving so I am doing everything I can. I ovulated on Thursday and my temp spiked today so I am keeping my fingers crossed over the next two weeks. I am really hoping this is my month! I have been trying not to get my hopes up each month so I dont set myself up for a big dissappointment but I just cant help myself this month, I am really excited and hopeful!


On another topic... after several months TTC, when I was already frustrated and going through tests to see why I was not getting pregnant, my brother told us that he accidentally got a girl pregnant. A girl he was only casually dating and they were no longer seeing each other. A child conceived that was unplanned, unwanted, with a mom that is not ready and too young. It hurt at the time, it is hard to understand how so many people get pregnant accidentally and others try so hard with no success. Well, since I first found out I have come to terms with it, accepted it, and have been fine with it... until last night. My Mom called to tell me that the baby was born. First, it really put into perspective how long we have been trying. This girl went through her entire pregnancy and is now having the baby. My Mom went to the hospital to see the baby (who my Brother wants nothing to do with) and sent me a picture. She called me when she left the hospital talking about how little and sweet and soft she was. My family has MOSTLY boys so my Mom has been wanting a little girl in her life for YEARS. I was hoping to provide her with a granddaughter. She kept talking about her little granddaughter and I tried to be excited, but I just kept crying. I felt like I was grieving, grieving for a lost dream, grieving that my Mom was there in the hospital with a new mom that she doesnt even know, visiting a granddaughter she will probably rarely be able to see. I wanted to give her that granddaughter, and it might sound extremely selfish, but I was sooo jealous that someone else gave that to her before me, that the someone else is a stranger to our family.

I feel like I need to call my mom and tell her why I didnt really share in her joy last night, but dont know how to tell her without crying. And maybe I shouldnt tell her because I dont want her to think she cant talk to me about her new granddaughter who she is so excited about. I need to be there for her and share in her joy, just has she has ALWAYS been there for me.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Answers....I think

I went in for a laparoscopy on Tuesday, as my previous post said I was a bit nervous. I was put under (which I hated) and they did NOT find endometriosis (wahoo!) and my tubes are NOT blocked (yay!!). What they did find was that my ovaries were fused to my uterus and pelvis WTF??? What the hell does that mean? They cut my ovaries away from my other organs so I guess that is good. I didnt get to talk to the doctor because I was still out so I wasnt able to ask the questions I wanted answered. According to my husband, the doc said it 'could' be a factor in my infertility so she wants me to stay on Clomid and keep trying. Initially when my husband told me this I was ecstatic. I was excited to have found the reason and they fixed it so all is good, right? Wrong! After asking my husband some more questions "what did she say SPECIFICALLY? Did she say it is probably the cause? Or could be a factor? Did she say it is the cause for my extremely painful periods? Will it quit hurting? What does fused ovaries cause?" He said she only told him it 'could be a factor' so I am less convinced now that we found the problem. I also dont want to try to conceive for another six months and find out that it wasnt the cause. I dont want to put off finding the real culprit due to false hopes that this was it. I guess I will just have to wait until my follow-up appointment to get some more answers. So, I am in a 'two week wait' of sorts, just not the typical 2ww. A 2ww till my follow-up appointment. At least now I have a little hope, maybe we found some answers but I guess I wont know until I either get pregnant... or not.

The other thing I was told is that I need to go in for a sleep study. Apparantly when I sleep my lungs forget to breathe at times. As I was waking up from the anesthesia they had to keep turning the oxygen back on because the oxygen machines were beeping that it was too low. Apparantly I kept forgetting to breathe. They had to keep shaking me and telling me to breathe. So they suggested I have a sleep study done. I was telling one of my friends (we were roomies in college so she has seen me sleep) and she said "yeah, you do that all the time". Oh, really? So I guess I will put that on my list of things to worry about!

One last thing about the surgery... I woke up once (I dont know if it was too soon or what) and FLIPPED out! I thought it was a dream because I was back out again. The next time I woke up I asked the nurse if I woke up once already and freaked out or was it a dream (it was bad so I thought it was just a dream) and she said that I did and that I was a little confused. Then she went outside the room and said to a different nurse "she does remember waking up earlier so she may be a little upset". From my fuzzy memory I really flipped! I thought I was being kidnapped and held down and stabbed or something because I hurt. It was really weird, a very strange memory! I could never be a drug addict because I do NOT like to not really know what is going on and not being in control of myself.

So that was my experience, I got some answers but I dont know how much faith I can put into them that it has cured my infertility. Fingers crossed that it did!

Monday, October 6, 2008

Surgery Anxiety

Tomorrow I will be having a laparoscopy and HSG. The lap is to see if I have endometriosis, and unfortunately the only way to check for it is to go in through your belly and look for it. I have never been 'put under' before and I am a little nervous about it. The HSG is to see if my tubes are blocked. I am really hoping to get some answers tomorrow. Even if the answers arent exactly what I would like to hear just knowing something would be great, I think. At this point I am so tired of the unknown I just want to know something so that we can make a plan to overcome whatever it is. If I get no answers tomorrow and they still do not know why I have not been able to conceive it will be disappointing. I guess I just want answers so we know where to go from here.

I talked to a family member today that has gone through many of the same fertility issues that I have been going through. I havent talked to her in over a year so I didnt think she was someone I could count on for support. And even though after one phone call I still cant count on her, it was still nice to talk to someone that has gone through it first hand. My Mom has also been super-supportive through the entire process and has been great to talk to.

This past weekend I went winetasting with my Mom and best friend. I am really happy that I had the weekend right before my surgery to look forward to, it really kept my mind off of it. But that means it all kind of hit me today full force! The people that know about it all called me today to say good luck and that they will be thinking about me tomorrow, I sure did cry a lot today! I guess having the surgery is just making infertility so real to me and that is why I am having such a hard time with it. It is a very mild surgery so it really shouldnt upset me so much but it is. I guess it doesnt help that I am also PMSing and extra emotional anyway. Sometimes I think ya just need a good cry, well today was my day!!

On a lighter note, the winetasting weekend was VERY fun!!! We stayed at a very cute little cottage right near several wineries. I had good food, good wine, and great company! It was a wonderful stress-relieving weekend and did wonders to keep my mind off the upcoming battles with infertility.

Well, wish me luck... I will post and update about how the surgery went as soon as I am able to.