Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Stupid Ovaries!

Stupid ovaries, how difficult is it to produce a stinkin egg? I didnt ovulate this month. Sooo, that produces two problems. The first is obvious, no ovulation, no pregnancy. Even with Clomid, I didnt ovulate. This isnt an issue I usually have. My problem is not that I dont ovulate, actually I dont know what my problem is with infertitility yet, but anovulation hasnt been it. I am hoping it was a fluke and not a new problem. Oh yeah, back to the two problems... the second problem is the times I dont ovulate, AF (aunt flo) visits late. It cant be late this month. I have surgery scheduled on October 7th to check for endometriosis and to see if my tubes are blocked. I have to start before I can have that surgery. I really dont want to reschedule, I am really nervous about it but also very excited to possibly get some answers. And if my doctor finds nothing, then we will at least come up with a plan for next steps. So I really dont want the surgery to be rescheduled. That would be really disappointing.

Our one year anniversary is coming up in a couple weeks (October 18). It is kind of cool that our first anniversary falls on Sweetest Day. Awwww! I think it is neat, but my husband could care less! He thinks Sweetest Day is the BIGGEST made-up, hallmark holiday. But he is excited that it is our one year anniversary.

Until next time.... keep your fingers crossed that I start!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

It has been awhile since I have posted... the last couple weeks have been a little rough so I have been really trying to sort through my emotions and feelings and trying to figure out who I can trust emotionally. Someone who I thought I could trust (a close family member) completely blew me away with an incredibly insensitive, and just downright mean, comment that I wont even repeat because it was so hurtful. I have been leaning on my husband a lot which I think has brought us a bit closer. He is somewhat uncomfortable with emotions but I had a heart to heart with him and told him that I really need to be able to talk to him about how I am feeling about all this infertility stuff and it has really helped. His nature is to not think about things or talk about things unless he has a solution for it so this has been a little out of his comfort zone. We are both growing through this and becoming closer. So, although I would much rather not have issues with fertility, I am now starting to see that there are some positives that can come out of a bad situation.

On another topic, my husband and I went camping this weekend with his Mother and Sister. The campground was pretty empty so we had a very peaceful and relaxing weekend which is just what I think I needed. I feel good today... relaxed, optimistic, and positive. All of which is a great help to my mental well-being.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Damn Aunt Flow

I have tried to write this blog several times but cant get through it without crying. So here I go again...obviously by the title I am not pregnant this month.... again! Clomid isn't working, I really had high hopes for it. I feel like my worst nightmares are coming true. As each month passes without a pregnancy my hope diminishes a little more.

At first I thought it is just taking me a little longer than I hoped, after my recent appointment with my doctor I now know it is more than that. I now have the 'official' diagnosis of infertile. I am having surgery next month to check for endometriosis and to see if my tubes are blocked. If tubes are blocked can they be unblocked? I wonder. I'll have to look that up. One of my Aunts has tubes that are completely blocked but I dont think it is hereditary. I also have two cousins that have endometriosis, but it didnt prevent them from becoming pregnant. I don't really know what to think. All I know is that I want to be pregnant, I want to start a family. My husband and I want 3 or 4 children but we arent young so we really need to get started! I am just so frustrated and scared. I am afraid of what they will find, I am afraid of them not finding anything and having no answers, I am afraid I'll never be able to have children, I am just afraid.

Does anyone know what comes next? If they go in and dont find endometriosis, and my tubes are not blocked, then what? I just want answers, I want to know what is wrong with me, I dont want to go through this and still not have answers, I want to know what comes next. I want to get a book about infertility. Does anyone have any suggestions on what one, or ones, are the best and most informative?

I just cannot believe I am going through this. I spent so many years trying so hard NOT to get pregnant, guess I didnt really need to do that. When I got married I had these grandiose visions of a honeymoon baby, then I was excited because if I got pregnant in December I would find out on Christmas, then I had visions of findout out around valentines day, then Mother's Day.... etc.... etc..... I am sure I am not the only one that has thought about so much each and every month, figuring out when the due date would be if it happened this month, and when I would find out, and how I would tell my husband, and how I would tell my Mom. Now my thoughts have shifted, they've made a huge shift, in fact. Now I think about how I will handle it if I am told my tubes are completely blocked and I will not be able to have kids, or any oter reason. How will I tell my husband? My family? My friends?

I went to my husband's family summer bar-b-que yesterday and was anxious, I didnt want to go. I was afraid they were going to ask me AGAIN the famous "so when are you guys gonna start having kids"? I didnt know how I would answer. I just didnt want to face that question. I have been extra emotional about it ever since the appointment with my doctor. Scheduling the surgery made it so much more real.

Next blog will be positive, I hope!