I have tried to write this blog several times but cant get through it without crying. So here I go again...obviously by the title I am not pregnant this month.... again! Clomid isn't working, I really had high hopes for it. I feel like my worst nightmares are coming true. As each month passes without a pregnancy my hope diminishes a little more.
At first I thought it is just taking me a little longer than I hoped, after my recent appointment with my doctor I now know it is more than that. I now have the 'official' diagnosis of infertile. I am having surgery next month to check for endometriosis and to see if my tubes are blocked. If tubes are blocked can they be unblocked? I wonder. I'll have to look that up. One of my Aunts has tubes that are completely blocked but I dont think it is hereditary. I also have two cousins that have endometriosis, but it didnt prevent them from becoming pregnant. I don't really know what to think. All I know is that I want to be pregnant, I want to start a family. My husband and I want 3 or 4 children but we arent young so we really need to get started! I am just so frustrated and scared. I am afraid of what they will find, I am afraid of them not finding anything and having no answers, I am afraid I'll never be able to have children, I am just afraid.
Does anyone know what comes next? If they go in and dont find endometriosis, and my tubes are not blocked, then what? I just want answers, I want to know what is wrong with me, I dont want to go through this and still not have answers, I want to know what comes next. I want to get a book about infertility. Does anyone have any suggestions on what one, or ones, are the best and most informative?
I just cannot believe I am going through this. I spent so many years trying so hard NOT to get pregnant, guess I didnt really need to do that. When I got married I had these grandiose visions of a honeymoon baby, then I was excited because if I got pregnant in December I would find out on Christmas, then I had visions of findout out around valentines day, then Mother's Day.... etc.... etc..... I am sure I am not the only one that has thought about so much each and every month, figuring out when the due date would be if it happened this month, and when I would find out, and how I would tell my husband, and how I would tell my Mom. Now my thoughts have shifted, they've made a huge shift, in fact. Now I think about how I will handle it if I am told my tubes are completely blocked and I will not be able to have kids, or any oter reason. How will I tell my husband? My family? My friends?
I went to my husband's family summer bar-b-que yesterday and was anxious, I didnt want to go. I was afraid they were going to ask me AGAIN the famous "so when are you guys gonna start having kids"? I didnt know how I would answer. I just didnt want to face that question. I have been extra emotional about it ever since the appointment with my doctor. Scheduling the surgery made it so much more real.
Next blog will be positive, I hope!
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2 comments:
Sorry Starr. :(
On a side note - shoot me an email - I have a board you should join me on. There are a lot of women going thru the same things and they can probably be a huge help!
Starr, I am so sorry. I know there are lots of women who can help you get through this. There is an organization called RESOLVE, Inc. (www.resolve.org) that has resources, even support groups. I don't have any specific expertise, but I hope this might be helpful to you. I know there are options for you. Don't give up yet. I feel your strong spirit even through cyberspace!
jo
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