Whiney Post

When you are reading this, read it in a really whiney voice because that is how I feel as I am writing it! I am really really tired of spending my entire first trimester alone. John is out of town through the week and has been since the week before I found out I am pregnancy. The weekend before last I was out of town for a conference the whole weekend so I didnt get to see my husband for two weeks. The weekends are way too short, he usually doesnt feel like doing anything most of the weekend because he has been gone all week and I usually want to do something because I have been by myself all week.

I also work from home, so I dont even see people during the day while working. I spend all day and all night by myself and it gets pretty boring! It wouldnt be so bad if I was just spending evenings alone and I was around people all day at work. But I dont.

It also doesnt help that I have had morning sickness so bad that all I feel like doing is laying on the couch when I am not in the bathroom. But I am starting to feel better now, I think that is why it is getting to me more now.

Sorry to whine, normally I love working from home. Just not when John is out of town and I am alone all day and night.

Next post will be less blubbering!

Seriously!?!

So I posted about the hematoma on my myspace blog and a girl that is on there as a friend (actually, she is just someone I went to school with, we have never been friends, just acquaintances) replied to my post. She said that (my complications) is why she isnt sure if she wants kids, she is afraid that she will have complications because she has had FOUR abortions!!! Four! Come one, at what point do you learn your lesson and use some BIRTH CONTROL! She has been married for 10 years or something like that, all were with her husband, but really, quit being so selfish and take responsibility! I am pro-choice and think that everyone needs to choose for themselves, but I do have a problem when people use abortion as birth control. Isnt there a limit on that? She went on to say that "birth control just doesnt work for us" and "I am as fertile as it gets, it sucks". Well, regardless of how fertile she is, she can find some kind of birth control that works. And if ONE doesnt, then double up. Use the pill AND a condom or something. She has also commented before that she doesnt want to give up smoking pot for 9 months so she isnt sure if she wants to have kids. So my guess is, they get high and dont use birth control properly because they arent necessarily in their right mind. Voila! She gets pregnant, then just says "oh well, I'll have another abortion". How totally irresponsible! So many people want children SOOOO bad and arent fertile at all! She should be a little more responsible with her 'fertileness'.

Sorry this is such a rant, but that email just really pissed me off. Once your are in your 30's and get pregnant WITH your husband, I really think you need to quit being selfish and own up to your actions. Ok, I'm done venting.

Sub-Chorionic Hematoma

I had my first appointment yesterday with my OB. I started having some very slight spotting on Sunday and a little on Monday morning, and some of my other symptoms also eased up A LOT Monday and Tuesday so I was really worried about the baby. So I had an ultrasound to see how the baby was doing and to see why I was spotting. What a little peanut!! Hearing the heart beating was amazing! I started crying as soon as I heard it!

After seeing that the baby was doing great the ultrasound technician tried to find out the reason for the spotting. She found a sub-chorionic hematoma near the placenta. Apparently, it is bleeding and bruising. The ultrasound tech downplayed it and didnt seem to think it was a big deal but I didnt talk to my doc after the ultrasound so I dont know if it is a big deal or not. I did some research online and that scared me a bit! Most of what I read said that you should take it very easy to reduce the chance of miscarrying and most people end up on bedrest. I really hope that doesnt happen!!

So here are pictures of the ultrasound:

Feeling green

I havent posted in awhile. I havent done much of anything, actually! A few posts back I said I just want to 'feel' pregnant and followed that up with a comment on how I would be kicking myself for saying that. Well, I am kicking myself now! I have been soooo sick the past couple weeks. Nausea all. day. long! I dont vomit often I just feel like it all the time. I wish I would just throw up because I usually feel better afterwards. For a little while anyways.

So I now definitely feel pregnant. I will be 8 weeks tomorrow and I have almost every symptom the books list. I dont sleep very well, I am exhausted all the time, nausea that doesnt stop, and can we talk tender breasts!?! I didnt know they could hurt that bad! I bought a couple of sleep bras and those help a lot but they still hurt all night.

So the post about wanting to feel pregnant was stupid! I should have never wished that on myself (not that it would have changed anything if I didnt say that).

My husband is starting to realize that I really am pregnant. Not that he doubted it, it is just taking a little while for it to really sink in. We sat in front of the fireplace by the Christmas tree yesterday and I read some of the Fathers section out of the "what to expect..." book. He has been talking about it a lot more, too. He has always said he was excited (which I know he is) but it hasnt really sunk in until the past weekend. Maybe seeing his wife running to the bathroom and laying on the couch ready to throw up all the time is what did it! He is gone through the week and home on the weekends so he doesnt see me much lately. I think the 4 day weekend seeing me sick is what did it. We had more time to talk about the baby too.

My first appointment is a week from tomorrow. I am excited for that! Oh, I also found out today that one of my friends is pregnant and due two weeks after me! It will be fun to have someone else nearby at the same stage of pregnancy as me!

Ha! I just realized that I posted about the same thing two posts in a row! Can I claim pregnancy brain yet? I seriously dont remember posting about my fear of having multiples in the "slew of emotions" post. Oh well, now everyone really knows my vision of several eggs bursting out at one!

I have been feeling queezy quite often lately. Ick!

I am heading to Chicago today for the rest of this week. It is snowy out, I dont like driving in the snow. And, I have to drive through a county that is in the middle of a severe snow advisory, ugh! I hope it isnt too bad.

How many?

I have been SO tired this week! I go out to do something for a little while and I am exhausted! Yesterday, my husband and I went furniture shoping for about an hour and a half, then I met a friend of mine for lunch and about an hour of shopping. By the time I got home I was BEAT! I slept in front of the fireplace for a couple hours then was still tired. I hope this doesnt last long. Next week I will be in Chicago for work. I will have meetings all day and into the evening. I dont know how I am going to manage without a nap in middle of the day. I have it made right now working from home, I can just take a nap when I need to. But when I am traveling for work I am usually busy morning till night.

So, my Husband REALLY wants triplets, or at least twins. I think he is nuts! Most guys are terrified of having more than one, not my husband! Every time he refers to the baby he says "the babies", plural. He tells me al lthe time that I am eating for four, and gives me 3 kisses to send down to the babies. I am not superstitious but, jeez, I hope he isnt jinxing me! Not that that is possible. I will be absolutely greatful with whatever I am having, and feel blessed that I am even pregnant in the first place. But I do prefer to have one baby at a time. He has me worried that I am carrying three! With how hungry I am I wouldnt doubt it!

My vision doesnt help at all. This is what I cant stop picturing: I have been on Clomid which enhances ovulation but I wasnt on it because of not ovulating. So I picture it making me superovulate. Then, during surgery they found that my ovaries were fused together with other organs. So, what I am picturing is that all these months I have been trying to ovulate but because my ovaries were fused the eggs couldnt come out. Then, my ovaries were freed and I am picturing all these backed up eggs bursting out and getting fertilized. I know that medically, I am probably waaaay off, but I still keep picturing that. I wish I was getting an ultra sound at my first appointment. I would really like to know how many babies are in there. I am sure it is only one, but I have this nagging image in the back of my head!

A slew of emotions

My current slew of emotoins:

Happy- I dont even know if happy is the word for it. Take happy and multiply it by a hundred. What word is that? I find myself smiling every day lately. I am so happy that this miracle has finally happened.

Amazed- I am amazed at everything going on inside of me that I cant even feel. Everyday I read about what development is going on and, even though I know all babies go through this same development, I cant help telling my baby "wow, you are soooo amazing! You are working so hard every day to develop! You are truly miraculous and strong!" I am amazed at all that is going on in such a tiny little being.

Sad- I am sad for everyone out there that is still fighting the infertility battle. Sad that so many havent gotten their miracle yet. I find myself thinking of them often.

Scared- I'm afraid at being so happy in the first trimester. I am terrified of miscarriage, I am not sure I could cope with that. I am not convinced I am strong enough to handle that. I cant wait to get through the next couple months so I feel more safe.

Excited- I am excited for my Mom. She has waited for this for just as long as I have. She has been there for me through it all, and the one person that I could talk about all my feelings, even the ones I was slightly ashamed of. She is excited for me, too. I am so greatful I have her to share this joy and miracle with.

Anxious- I am anxious to hear the heartbeat, anxious to feel it kick, anxious to know if I am having a boy or girl, and most of all, anxious to know if I am carrying one or more. I have been on Clomid which increases ovulation. But I wasnt on it becuase of not ovulating. So, the vision I have going through my head is.... I was on Clomid for five months increasing ovulation but had problems with my ovaries. Once I had the surgery and all was fixed I envision all those eggs bursting out and getting fertilized. I know I am probably way off but I cant get that though out of my mind. I will be happy with whatever I have. I am not sure how prepared I am for multiples, but I will have plenty of time to get ready. Besides, are you ever REALLY ready for several babies at once? Especially like 4 or 5! I am thinking that if it is more than one that it is two, no more.

So those are my emotions right now. With the way I am going these days, I'll have a whole different list tomorrow!

Symptoms

Today I am 4weeks and 6 days pregnant. Almost 5 weeks. I got my first 'congrats' card in the mail today. Very sweet from my sister-n-law. She is always sooooo good about sending cards right away for everything.

Reading a fellow bloggers post gave me the idea for this post. Check out Selmada's blog. Hers is about cravings, or the lack thereof. I am going to write about symptoms. I secretly want to feel the symptoms of pregnancy because that is the only way I can 'feel' pregnant. I am sure that if I get bad morning sickness I am going to kick myself for saying this, but I want to FEEL pregnant. Here are the things I am feeling:

Hungry, ummm, CONSTANTLY! I go from fine to famished in about four seconds! The problem is that nothing ever sounds good. Once I am hungry I know I need to eat, and I need to eat NOW but I can't think of anything that sounds good. I am definitely NOT craving anything. Since nothing sounds good I have been eating pretty healthy so that is good.

Tender breasts- usually, the weak before AF shows up, my breasts are extremely sore. I have to hold them when I walk up and down the stairs so they don't bounce even the slightest little bit. This month, the week before they never got tender or sore. "How lucky!' I thought. Until yesterday, then Surprise! they hurt again. So now I feel like I do just before AF.

Tired-somewhat. Last week I was in Dallas all week for work and I was definitely ready to go to bed around 9:00, but that could have just been because of busy days. The last couple days I am tired but I dont know if it is a lot more than normal, I dont really think so.

So, am I crazy for secretly hoping for some symptoms? Probably, but I just want to 'feel' pregnant.

I am so anxious to start buying stuff too! I was looking around online today and ordered a couple maternity items that were clearanced from Mimi Maternity. Here are pics:








They are quite patterned! Of course I will pair each of them with something solid to tone it down a bit. I wont be into maternity clothes for awhile but I thought they were good deals so I thought I would take advantage of it.

Who I told first and how

I decided to just change the name of this blog instead of starting a new pregnancy blog. I just rearranged the words from Is conceiving conceivable? to Conceiving IS conceivable!

Now that I have more time I will start with the stories of who and how I told about my long awaited pregnancy. I had planned to tell my husband in a really clever, unique way but I was WAAAY too excited! I took the test at 6am. After my negative test the day before, I really had no hope of it being positive. Even though I didnt think it was positive, I still had my eyes on the test the whole time it was thinking. I pretended to do other things, but really I couldnt quit looking at the test. I kept making deals with myself..."I am not going to look at the test until I am done brushing my hair" but really my eyes kept darting over to the test. That one little thing had the potential to change my life forever, or seal my depression for the next month. I put so much faith into that one little test stick. Finally, even though I didnt keep up my end of the deal and kept looking at the test, it gave me the best news ever! In middle of half-heartedly brushing my hair, while my eyes were glued to the test it went from flashing a clock indicating that I had to wait because it was still thinking about it, the word PREGNANT showed on the digital screen, clear as can be. The emotions that rushed through me brought immediate tears to my eyes. I was excited, shocked, and couldn't believe my wait was over. I finally got my wish. I am finally going to be a Mommy. I was so excited my first instinct told me to run into the bedroom to share the greatest news with my husband. My hand only hesitated on the doorhandle for a moment. In my head I was thinking that I wanted to tell him in a really cool way. And if I couldn't think of something really cool I wanted to wrap the positive test and tell him I had a surprise for him. That is the whole reason I wanted to get the digital test, so he would know as soon as he saw it, so I wouldn't have to explain to him what the lines or plus sign means.

Like I said, I only hesitated for a moment before dismissing the whole idea of doing something clever to tell him the news. I was too excited, I couldn't hold it in even long enough to wrap the little present. Instead, I ran into the bedroom, threw on the light and woke him. I knelt by the bed, with tears in my eyes, holding the test stick in front of him with the word clearly visible: PREGNANT. John kind of squinted at it for a minute, still letting his eyes adjust to the sudden burst of light, and asked "What does that mean?" I wasn't sure if he was still sleeping, couldn't see the readout on the screen of the test, or really didn't realize that all the charting, timed intercourse, and testing would eventually result in a pregnancy. In the end he said he couldnt see what it said because I wasn't tilting it so he could see the word.

I wanted to call everyone I know to tell them the news. Sadly, it was only about 6:10am by this time and most of who I know wouldn't even be thinking of getting up yet. So I had to wait. Soon after the initial excitement, we had to get ready to go vote for our new president. I am so happy that my baby will be born with Barack Obama leading the country. I am happy my baby will be born in a nation that is breaking down stereotypes, prejudices, and narrow mindedness.

We voted on the way to the airport. I was flying to Dallas for work and would be gone almost a week. It was disappointing to have to leave my husband right after finding out. But I survived the week and now home happily enjoying the excitement with my husband.
_____________________

The other person that I was really excited to tell was my Mom. My Mom and I are very close as I stated here. I had a little more time to think of something creative to tell her. I have been making Christmas cards and she wanted to see some so I told her I would send her some (she lives about 3 hours away from me).

First, I have to give a bit of background. When she was in her 20's she was married to an older man who had grandkids. So, through marriage she had grandkids but was too young to be called Grandma. Her name is Kym so they called her Kimma. Now, my brother has a child (her grandson) that started calling her Mommymae when he was little.

Ok, back to the story of how I told my Mom. I sent her one of the Christmas cards I made and on the inside I wrote:

You've been a Kimma,
You've been a Mommymae,
Will you be my Grandma?
-From your new Grandchild
Estimated arrival date 7/14/09

The only problem with mailing her something is that I had to wait a couple days before telling her! It was the longest two days of my life!! I tried ignoring her calls or keeping them short saying I was busy. I did tell her that I finally sent the cards she wanted to see and that there was something else in it that is really important. On the day she was supposed to get it in the mail I was talking to her on her way home from work. I told her to go right in the house and get the card I sent. She said she had to feed the animals and do a couple other things before getting dark. I assured her that it was really important and she had to go in right away. It was driving me nuts to not tell her, I didnt want to wait even an extra half hour. She called me back a couple minutes later and squeaked at me. She couldn't talk because she was crying and shocked and amazed. She said it never even crossed her mind that that was the surprise. I am so proud of myself for not caving and telling her before getting the card. She will probably keep that card forever!

I am still shocked!

I know many of you were waiting for this post last Tuesday. The delay is because I had to vote then fly to Dallas on Tuesday for a conference and just got home. Ok, so on Tuesday.... I woke up super early because I was so anxious to test..... and..... what a HUGE surprise I got my first positive pregnancy test!!!!! So, yup, I am FINALLY pregnant!! I am sooooo ecstatic! It kind of stinks that I found out then had to jump on a plane and be out of town all week instead of being with my husband, but I am home now and we can share the excitement together.

I know a lot of people, for their own reasons, hold off telling people about the pregnancy. Not me!!! I have waited too long for this! I have told soooo many people! Not to mention, as soon as I told my Mom she called absolutely EVERYONE!

I thank you all for your support through this journey. I wish I had started blogging sooner. I am not sure yet if I am going to create a new pregnancy blog or if I will just continue writing about my pregnancy on this one.

Tuesday's anticipation

I am a little worried about Tuesday. Tuesday is a big day for me. 1. voting day 2. I fly to Dallas for 5 days for a conference 3. I can take a pregnancy test 4. AF may show up if #3 isnt positive. I have a lot going on Tuesday. I am so worried about how it is all going to go down. The whole reason I went in for surgery is because I had EXTREMELY painful periods, mostly on the first day. If I start on Tuesday instead of getting a + pregnancy test then while I am traveling I am going to have horrible cramps. If my ovulation this month is any indication, it is going to be worst than normal. When I ovulated this month I had really bad ovulation pain, I figured it is because all the rooting around inside around my ovaries, not to mention all the cutting around my ovaries! So, I am worried that my cramps this month will be worse, too. I dont just get cramps. I get nausea, vimiting, dizziness, and basically feel like I just want to lay and do NOTHING other than vomit. I am worried I will feel this way while I am standing in line to vote (estimates are that it can be up to a four hour wait), and on a plane and in airports during layover.



Hopefully the opposite will be true. Hopefully, I will test Thursday morning and it will be positive. It will stink that I will immediately after testing be out of town for 5 days and not with my husband, but that would be SO much better than the alternative.



So, if all goes well on Tuesday (I need all the fingers crossed and prayers I can get) I want to think of a unique way to tell my husband. Any ideas?

The Greatest Husband

My husband is sooo great! Right now he is out of town and I really miss him. On Sunday, I was having some issues (pain) from the surgery I had and had several 'chores' that I kept meaning to do all weekend but I kept procrastinating. All I wanted to do on Sunday is curl up on the couch. My Husband did the tasks for me that I had been meaning to do. He didnt complain about it (which really surprises me because he HATES when I procrastinate). One of the things he did is one of the most pain in the butt chores that I needed to get done. We make wine, and about two weeks ago my friend and I each started a batch of apple cinnamon wine with local produce. About two weeks after starting a batch you have to ciphon the wine from the primary fermenter (plastic bucket) to the carboy (6 gallon glass jug). Before ciphoning it you have to sanitize all the equipment, then ciphon it into the new container, then test the alcohol content and sugar level, then clean all the the equipment really well. It isnt so bad when you can sample the wine while you are doing it, or at least have a glass of wine. It is really just time consuming and can be a pain when you really dont feel like doing it at all. Sunday, not only did he rack my wine, but also my friend's wine. What a sweetheart! Usually he likes to relax on Sunday when he is working out of town because he knows the next day he has to leave and stay in a hotel all week. Great husband!

Babies, babies, everywhere!! My brothers ex just had a baby (see previous post) my husband's cousin just had a baby that we visited on Saturday, I just visited a friend who has a baby last week (we actually were hoping to have babies at the same time, he is 5 months old now and I am not even pregnant!), I visited a pregnant friend yesterday (I hadnt seen her in quite awhile so it was really nice visiting!), it seems that babies are surrounding me right now! So, it is no surprise that I had a dream last night that I found out I was pregnant. In my dream I was at work (weird since I work from home but in my dream I worked in an office) and was so excited when I found out that I ran out of the bathroom waving around my pee stick with my pants off! I guess I had taken them off to pee on the stick and didnt put them back on. Other than the running around with no pants on waving around a stick I had just peed on, I was really bummed to wake up and realize it was just a dream. Ah well, It isnt the first pregnant dream I have had and it certainly will not be the last!

I am about half way through the 2week wait. Waiting to see if I start, or if I can take a pregnancy test. I am pretty hopeful this month, which kind of sucks because it makes the 2ww seem longer and the disappointment will be worse if I am not pregnant. Hopefully, I will not have to have too many more months like this.

Until next time....

More Details

I am a little late in posting this, but last Tuesday I had my follow up with my doc. She explained everything really well. She showed me pictures of my insides (they look a bit different than I expected!). My ovaries were completely fused to my pelvis, uterus and tubes. She was able to cut one free completely but the other one was so stuck to the other organs that she wasnt able to free it completely. She said that on the side that is still partially stuck, my tube may not work normally even though it is not blocked. So, every other month (when I ovulate on that side) my chances of conceiving are much lower.

The cause for the ovaries fusing together is most likely old endometriosis but she did not find any active.

She also showed me on the photos that one ovary was twice the size of the other one due to a large cyst. She ruptured it during surgery and drained it and it should be fine now.

She increased my dose of Clomid and extended my prescription (ugggh, I hate clomid!). I have been on it for 5 months and will be taking it another three. I get headaches and hot flashes really bad on it and am extremely irritable.

My doc said that the next two months are my best chances for conceiving so I am doing everything I can. I ovulated on Thursday and my temp spiked today so I am keeping my fingers crossed over the next two weeks. I am really hoping this is my month! I have been trying not to get my hopes up each month so I dont set myself up for a big dissappointment but I just cant help myself this month, I am really excited and hopeful!

___________________________________________

On another topic... after several months TTC, when I was already frustrated and going through tests to see why I was not getting pregnant, my brother told us that he accidentally got a girl pregnant. A girl he was only casually dating and they were no longer seeing each other. A child conceived that was unplanned, unwanted, with a mom that is not ready and too young. It hurt at the time, it is hard to understand how so many people get pregnant accidentally and others try so hard with no success. Well, since I first found out I have come to terms with it, accepted it, and have been fine with it... until last night. My Mom called to tell me that the baby was born. First, it really put into perspective how long we have been trying. This girl went through her entire pregnancy and is now having the baby. My Mom went to the hospital to see the baby (who my Brother wants nothing to do with) and sent me a picture. She called me when she left the hospital talking about how little and sweet and soft she was. My family has MOSTLY boys so my Mom has been wanting a little girl in her life for YEARS. I was hoping to provide her with a granddaughter. She kept talking about her little granddaughter and I tried to be excited, but I just kept crying. I felt like I was grieving, grieving for a lost dream, grieving that my Mom was there in the hospital with a new mom that she doesnt even know, visiting a granddaughter she will probably rarely be able to see. I wanted to give her that granddaughter, and it might sound extremely selfish, but I was sooo jealous that someone else gave that to her before me, that the someone else is a stranger to our family.

I feel like I need to call my mom and tell her why I didnt really share in her joy last night, but dont know how to tell her without crying. And maybe I shouldnt tell her because I dont want her to think she cant talk to me about her new granddaughter who she is so excited about. I need to be there for her and share in her joy, just has she has ALWAYS been there for me.

Answers....I think

I went in for a laparoscopy on Tuesday, as my previous post said I was a bit nervous. I was put under (which I hated) and they did NOT find endometriosis (wahoo!) and my tubes are NOT blocked (yay!!). What they did find was that my ovaries were fused to my uterus and pelvis WTF??? What the hell does that mean? They cut my ovaries away from my other organs so I guess that is good. I didnt get to talk to the doctor because I was still out so I wasnt able to ask the questions I wanted answered. According to my husband, the doc said it 'could' be a factor in my infertility so she wants me to stay on Clomid and keep trying. Initially when my husband told me this I was ecstatic. I was excited to have found the reason and they fixed it so all is good, right? Wrong! After asking my husband some more questions "what did she say SPECIFICALLY? Did she say it is probably the cause? Or could be a factor? Did she say it is the cause for my extremely painful periods? Will it quit hurting? What does fused ovaries cause?" He said she only told him it 'could be a factor' so I am less convinced now that we found the problem. I also dont want to try to conceive for another six months and find out that it wasnt the cause. I dont want to put off finding the real culprit due to false hopes that this was it. I guess I will just have to wait until my follow-up appointment to get some more answers. So, I am in a 'two week wait' of sorts, just not the typical 2ww. A 2ww till my follow-up appointment. At least now I have a little hope, maybe we found some answers but I guess I wont know until I either get pregnant... or not.

The other thing I was told is that I need to go in for a sleep study. Apparantly when I sleep my lungs forget to breathe at times. As I was waking up from the anesthesia they had to keep turning the oxygen back on because the oxygen machines were beeping that it was too low. Apparantly I kept forgetting to breathe. They had to keep shaking me and telling me to breathe. So they suggested I have a sleep study done. I was telling one of my friends (we were roomies in college so she has seen me sleep) and she said "yeah, you do that all the time". Oh, really? So I guess I will put that on my list of things to worry about!

One last thing about the surgery... I woke up once (I dont know if it was too soon or what) and FLIPPED out! I thought it was a dream because I was back out again. The next time I woke up I asked the nurse if I woke up once already and freaked out or was it a dream (it was bad so I thought it was just a dream) and she said that I did and that I was a little confused. Then she went outside the room and said to a different nurse "she does remember waking up earlier so she may be a little upset". From my fuzzy memory I really flipped! I thought I was being kidnapped and held down and stabbed or something because I hurt. It was really weird, a very strange memory! I could never be a drug addict because I do NOT like to not really know what is going on and not being in control of myself.

So that was my experience, I got some answers but I dont know how much faith I can put into them that it has cured my infertility. Fingers crossed that it did!

Surgery Anxiety

Tomorrow I will be having a laparoscopy and HSG. The lap is to see if I have endometriosis, and unfortunately the only way to check for it is to go in through your belly and look for it. I have never been 'put under' before and I am a little nervous about it. The HSG is to see if my tubes are blocked. I am really hoping to get some answers tomorrow. Even if the answers arent exactly what I would like to hear just knowing something would be great, I think. At this point I am so tired of the unknown I just want to know something so that we can make a plan to overcome whatever it is. If I get no answers tomorrow and they still do not know why I have not been able to conceive it will be disappointing. I guess I just want answers so we know where to go from here.

I talked to a family member today that has gone through many of the same fertility issues that I have been going through. I havent talked to her in over a year so I didnt think she was someone I could count on for support. And even though after one phone call I still cant count on her, it was still nice to talk to someone that has gone through it first hand. My Mom has also been super-supportive through the entire process and has been great to talk to.

This past weekend I went winetasting with my Mom and best friend. I am really happy that I had the weekend right before my surgery to look forward to, it really kept my mind off of it. But that means it all kind of hit me today full force! The people that know about it all called me today to say good luck and that they will be thinking about me tomorrow, I sure did cry a lot today! I guess having the surgery is just making infertility so real to me and that is why I am having such a hard time with it. It is a very mild surgery so it really shouldnt upset me so much but it is. I guess it doesnt help that I am also PMSing and extra emotional anyway. Sometimes I think ya just need a good cry, well today was my day!!

On a lighter note, the winetasting weekend was VERY fun!!! We stayed at a very cute little cottage right near several wineries. I had good food, good wine, and great company! It was a wonderful stress-relieving weekend and did wonders to keep my mind off the upcoming battles with infertility.

Well, wish me luck... I will post and update about how the surgery went as soon as I am able to.

Stupid Ovaries!

Stupid ovaries, how difficult is it to produce a stinkin egg? I didnt ovulate this month. Sooo, that produces two problems. The first is obvious, no ovulation, no pregnancy. Even with Clomid, I didnt ovulate. This isnt an issue I usually have. My problem is not that I dont ovulate, actually I dont know what my problem is with infertitility yet, but anovulation hasnt been it. I am hoping it was a fluke and not a new problem. Oh yeah, back to the two problems... the second problem is the times I dont ovulate, AF (aunt flo) visits late. It cant be late this month. I have surgery scheduled on October 7th to check for endometriosis and to see if my tubes are blocked. I have to start before I can have that surgery. I really dont want to reschedule, I am really nervous about it but also very excited to possibly get some answers. And if my doctor finds nothing, then we will at least come up with a plan for next steps. So I really dont want the surgery to be rescheduled. That would be really disappointing.

Our one year anniversary is coming up in a couple weeks (October 18). It is kind of cool that our first anniversary falls on Sweetest Day. Awwww! I think it is neat, but my husband could care less! He thinks Sweetest Day is the BIGGEST made-up, hallmark holiday. But he is excited that it is our one year anniversary.

Until next time.... keep your fingers crossed that I start!

It has been awhile since I have posted... the last couple weeks have been a little rough so I have been really trying to sort through my emotions and feelings and trying to figure out who I can trust emotionally. Someone who I thought I could trust (a close family member) completely blew me away with an incredibly insensitive, and just downright mean, comment that I wont even repeat because it was so hurtful. I have been leaning on my husband a lot which I think has brought us a bit closer. He is somewhat uncomfortable with emotions but I had a heart to heart with him and told him that I really need to be able to talk to him about how I am feeling about all this infertility stuff and it has really helped. His nature is to not think about things or talk about things unless he has a solution for it so this has been a little out of his comfort zone. We are both growing through this and becoming closer. So, although I would much rather not have issues with fertility, I am now starting to see that there are some positives that can come out of a bad situation.

On another topic, my husband and I went camping this weekend with his Mother and Sister. The campground was pretty empty so we had a very peaceful and relaxing weekend which is just what I think I needed. I feel good today... relaxed, optimistic, and positive. All of which is a great help to my mental well-being.

Damn Aunt Flow

I have tried to write this blog several times but cant get through it without crying. So here I go again...obviously by the title I am not pregnant this month.... again! Clomid isn't working, I really had high hopes for it. I feel like my worst nightmares are coming true. As each month passes without a pregnancy my hope diminishes a little more.

At first I thought it is just taking me a little longer than I hoped, after my recent appointment with my doctor I now know it is more than that. I now have the 'official' diagnosis of infertile. I am having surgery next month to check for endometriosis and to see if my tubes are blocked. If tubes are blocked can they be unblocked? I wonder. I'll have to look that up. One of my Aunts has tubes that are completely blocked but I dont think it is hereditary. I also have two cousins that have endometriosis, but it didnt prevent them from becoming pregnant. I don't really know what to think. All I know is that I want to be pregnant, I want to start a family. My husband and I want 3 or 4 children but we arent young so we really need to get started! I am just so frustrated and scared. I am afraid of what they will find, I am afraid of them not finding anything and having no answers, I am afraid I'll never be able to have children, I am just afraid.

Does anyone know what comes next? If they go in and dont find endometriosis, and my tubes are not blocked, then what? I just want answers, I want to know what is wrong with me, I dont want to go through this and still not have answers, I want to know what comes next. I want to get a book about infertility. Does anyone have any suggestions on what one, or ones, are the best and most informative?

I just cannot believe I am going through this. I spent so many years trying so hard NOT to get pregnant, guess I didnt really need to do that. When I got married I had these grandiose visions of a honeymoon baby, then I was excited because if I got pregnant in December I would find out on Christmas, then I had visions of findout out around valentines day, then Mother's Day.... etc.... etc..... I am sure I am not the only one that has thought about so much each and every month, figuring out when the due date would be if it happened this month, and when I would find out, and how I would tell my husband, and how I would tell my Mom. Now my thoughts have shifted, they've made a huge shift, in fact. Now I think about how I will handle it if I am told my tubes are completely blocked and I will not be able to have kids, or any oter reason. How will I tell my husband? My family? My friends?

I went to my husband's family summer bar-b-que yesterday and was anxious, I didnt want to go. I was afraid they were going to ask me AGAIN the famous "so when are you guys gonna start having kids"? I didnt know how I would answer. I just didnt want to face that question. I have been extra emotional about it ever since the appointment with my doctor. Scheduling the surgery made it so much more real.

Next blog will be positive, I hope!

I think this is the first month I havent "thought for sure" that I am pregnant. I feel like I am just waiting till AF (aunt flow) visits so I can get on with the next step (this was my last cycle of Clomid). I have an appointment on Wed to see what is next. I am anxious to see where I go from here. Maybe since I dont have my hopes up this month and I am 'just relaxing' I will get pregnant. Isnt that what everyone always says? Just relax and it will happen? Oh how I wish it was that easy!

Today will be a fun day. My husband and I do wedding photography as a hobby. We have a wedding to shoot today and we always have fun doing it. We work really well as a team when doing it and love looking at the pictures at the end. It is great being a part of the couple's day and seeing all the happiness, love, and excitement. The wedding we are doing today is a very non-traditional wedding so it should be fun to get some unique pictures.

Optimism

My temperature finally spiked! YAY, I think! So either my body reacted slowly to the hormone release or I ovulated later than I expected. The OPK was positive on Sunday and, of course, we did what we needed to do but my husband has been out of town all week so I hope I didnt wait to ovulate until yesterday! I am hoping my body just reacted slowly to the hormone that was released. So, there may still be hope this month, although a small hope, at least it is hope. I am feeling optimistic today and I am excited my husband will be home tomorrow and has a 3 day weekend!

Now, if I would quit procrastinating and get some work done I would be doing great! So here I go... off to work!

Temperature

Today is day three of the wait. But, I am not sure that I ovulated this month. I am on Clomid so I should have, and my ovulation predictor kit indicated when I was about to, but my temperature did not go up. It is still the same as before ovulation. Now I am assuming that most people that read this blog knows the significance of temperature but for anyone that doesnt I'll explain. Once you ovulate your body produces a hormone that is more thermal so it raises your body temperature. If you dont ovulate, no raise in temp. So, I am worried that I have not even ovulated.

The biggest reason that waiting is so difficult this time is because of my home situation right now. I work from home so I am by myself all day. And, my husband is now out of town for work for the next 10 weeks, coming home on the weekends. So, during the week, not only am I home all day by myself, I am also home all night by myself. It makes the wait seem longer, they days longer. If I worked somewhere else I would be around people all day and then have the evenings to myself, which wouldnt be so bad. So I have been trying to keep myself busy. I went to the dentist today, I am going to lunch with some of my old coworkers on Friday, I went to the movies last night, and to the bookstore the night before.

Ok, enough complaining! The rest of today is going to be great! I am going to get the stuff done I need to for work, I am going to swim in my pool, and I am going to see if my friend Jess wants to go out to dinner.

Until next time....

waiting...

I am in that horrible two weeks of waiting. The time between ovulating and peeing on a stick hoping for a "pregnant" on the readout. Two weeks of no alcohol (I can handle that), no caffeine (a bit harder to handle), no lunch meat (at least I like pb&j), no soft cheeses (this is the hardest one, I LOVE cheese!), eating lots of folic acid and taking prenatal vitamins. And waiting.... each day seams like a week. Each morning I wake up, immediately stick a thermometer in my mouth and pray that the temperature stays high. And I wait.... for another day to go by, one day closer to an answer to the always present question "Am I pregnant"? During all the waiting, I am also analyzing. I analyze my energy level. If I have one day feeling a bit more tired than usual I think surely that is a sign. I analyze my boobs, I almost will my boobs to be tender becuase that is another sign. I analyze any sick feeling and I hope for nausea becuase... yup, you guessed, another sign. All these unpleasant feelings that most people dont want to happen, I pray for them to so I have some hope that I am pregnant this month. I dont know why I do this to myself, I am so dissappointed when I find out I am not. I hate waiting... I just want to know one way or another. I am only on day two of the two week wait, how am I ever going to last another 12 days?

I get to pee on a stick (POS) on my birthday. It's funny how POS brings such joy to me. I love when I wake up and get to POS, it makes me feel like I am doing something instead of just waiting. Whether I POS to determine if I am ovulating or to determine if I am pregnant I feel like I am getting answers instead of just waiting. I am a little bummed each morning that I wake up and dont get to POS. I almost miss it during the wait between ovulation and expected aunt flow visit. So I get to POS on my birthday. It may be the BEST birthday of my life, or it may start with some bad news. If it does start with a negative test, I'll handle it. I assume that I am not pregnant, so it will be dissappointing but not anything I won't be prepared for.

I really like this whole blog thing. I started it yesterday and posted twice and had to keep myself from posting all day. It is such a great way of getting out the feelings I have been keeping to myself. Even if no one reads it I feel so good getting out my frustrations. I have been reading other blogs, too. I realize that my story isnt NEARLY as bad as many others. I have only been TTC (trying to conceive) for a year, some others have been TTC for 3, 5, 10, even 12 years! I dont even know how I would feel if I am in this same boat 3 years from now. I dont think I could be in this situation 12 years from now, I would be institutionalized instead!

In my current job I spend a lot of time researching infant development; emotional, social, physical, cognitive, and brain development. I feel like as I research and attend conferences I am constantly preparing to be a Mommy, which doesnt help. Usually people can dive into their work in order to forget for a little while, but I cant. Even my career is a constant reminder about what I am missing.

Wow, this blog is becoming quite long. I already admitted I may become obsessed with blogging! I will try not to post 5 more blogs today, but I'm not guarenteeing anything!

Just quit trying...

You wanna know what frustrates me more than anything? Well I am going to tell you anyway! I absolutely HATE it when people say "just quit trying and you'll get pregnant". Ok, for some poeople, as soon as they stop trying to get pregnant it happens. But, it isnt fool proof! Not trying would feel like giving up. And I DEFINITELY am not giving up on starting a family. I also hate it when people say "just drink jack and coke, that's what did it for me... ha ha ha!" Or "just have sex in your car on some side road, thats how I got pregnant". JEEEZ, do people listen to themselves!?! As if it is THAT easy! If it was that easy I would be creating a blog about all the children I have, not about my issues with getting pregnant! UUUGHH!

Ok, one more thing that bothers me. I really dont like when people DONT tell me about them or someone else I know being pregnant becuase they dont want to upset me because I havent been successful. As if I am that selfish! Just because I am having problems doesnt mean that I will only think of myself when I hear of someone elses joy! I can, and want to, be happy for other people. What a joy to find out your pregnant (usually!), I would love to share that joy with someone and offer my congratulations. So please, dont avoid the subject in order to spare my feelings because I really do love to hear of other peoples success.

The Journey

I decided to start this blog to get out my feelings and frustrations about NOT being pregnant. Let me start at the beginning...

My husband and I met a little over 6 years ago. We instantly knew we had something special and decided to live together very early in our relationship. And although we have had some bumps along the way (some mere speed bumps and others major potholes!) we really have a great life together. We were married on October 18th 2007 on the beach in Mexico. I could not have asked for a more perfect wedding!

Before getting married we discussed starting a family and both agreed that we wanted to start as soon as we got married. We lived together for five years before getting married so we didnt feel like we needed to 'enjoy married life' first. We already had five great years to enjoy each other, work on our careers, and work out all the kinks in our relationship. We were ready to move on to the next chapter... parenthood. So... as soon as we got engaged we weren't really TRYING to get pregnant, but we weren't really preventing it either. And once we got married, we really started trying.

Let me tell you a little about me. I was born to be a mom. I have devoted almost my entire life to children as a teacher, director of child development centers, and now an infant and toddler specialist for YMCA of the USA. My education is about children, my career is about children, and my everyday life is about wanting children, getting ready for children, and trying to have children. I have also married a man whom I know will be such a fantastic father, and he is really ready for that next step, too. We cannot wait to become parents.

So... as soon as we got married I started charting my cycles. I started reading books (Taking Charge of Your Fertility is a great book! Thanks, Julie, for loaning it to me!) and taking my temperature every morning, peeing on sticks every month to see if I am 'about to ovulate', taking prenatal vitamins, eating right, and drinking right (no wine during the time I 'could be pregant' between ovuation and mensing, which for those that know that I make wine was not my most favorite thing to give up!).

Each month after ovulating I was very excited because I COULD be pregnant. I thought about the excitement, the due date, what season I would be hugely pregnant, if I am getting enough folic acid to promote healthy brain development, I talked about it constantly with my husband (he has been soooo patient with all my pregnancy talk and hasnt acted bored with the conversations at all! What a sensitive husband). I counted the number of high temperatures on my charts, excited that in 5, 4, 3 ... more days I can take a pregnancy test. And then I would think about how I would tell my Mom, my friends, my family all the important people in my life. I thought about how to paint the babies room, what kind of furniture I want in there, what kind of care I will choose for my child while I work, the school district we live in... I thought about EVERY imaginable that has to do with starting a family.

Then my temperature would drop, and when your pregnant it stays high. So I thought the thermometer is faulty, beause clearly I am pregnant! Afterall, I have ALL the signs and we did everything we could have and at the right times. So out to the store I would go to buy a new thermometer (I now have 6 or 7 thermometers!) Then after the temperature dropped I would start spotting or start spotting and then my temperature would drop.

I tried, I really did, to not let it get to me each month. I really tried to say, "oh well, we'll try again next month". But saying that doesnt really help. Each month I am soooo dissappointed that I misread the signs and vow to quit reading into everything that COULD be a sign, and each month I vow to not get my hopes up. But it doesnt really help, I am still really upset each time I start my period indicating that I am again NOT pregnant.

Sometimes I feel like no one really understands how frustrated it can be but I know others are in my same situation. And others have had difficulties getting pregnant, so I know I am not alone but sometimes it feels like it. And sometimes I dont want to hear that others are in the same situation becuase sometimes I wanna feel like I am the only one feeling like this and no ones situation is like mine and no one understands how it feels. Sometimes I am just feeling selfish and only care about my own situation and I dont care about anyone else's situation! But really I do care and dont want anyone else to be in this situatoin.

Ok, so after quite a few months of charting my cycles I started noticing that the time between ovulating and my uterus 'shedding the lining' was not long enough. So that means, even if I am getting pregnant each month there is not enough time for the fertilized egg to implant itself on the side of my uterus. The lining is being shed too early and the egg gets flushed out with my mestruation. So I went to my doctor, who looked at my charts and knew there was something wrong (which I knew but didnt want to admit, hearing it from a doctor really made me face it). So I went to an OB/GYN and she put me on Clomid, a fertility drug.

So far, the Clomid hasnt worked...but maybe this month. And again I am going to tell myself that I am not going to look at every symptom as a sign of pregnancy, and I am not going to get my hopes up. But ya know what? I probably am, and I am probably going to be dissappointed when I dont get pregnant again.