Ha! I just realized that I posted about the same thing two posts in a row! Can I claim pregnancy brain yet? I seriously dont remember posting about my fear of having multiples in the "slew of emotions" post. Oh well, now everyone really knows my vision of several eggs bursting out at one!

I have been feeling queezy quite often lately. Ick!

I am heading to Chicago today for the rest of this week. It is snowy out, I dont like driving in the snow. And, I have to drive through a county that is in the middle of a severe snow advisory, ugh! I hope it isnt too bad.

How many?

I have been SO tired this week! I go out to do something for a little while and I am exhausted! Yesterday, my husband and I went furniture shoping for about an hour and a half, then I met a friend of mine for lunch and about an hour of shopping. By the time I got home I was BEAT! I slept in front of the fireplace for a couple hours then was still tired. I hope this doesnt last long. Next week I will be in Chicago for work. I will have meetings all day and into the evening. I dont know how I am going to manage without a nap in middle of the day. I have it made right now working from home, I can just take a nap when I need to. But when I am traveling for work I am usually busy morning till night.

So, my Husband REALLY wants triplets, or at least twins. I think he is nuts! Most guys are terrified of having more than one, not my husband! Every time he refers to the baby he says "the babies", plural. He tells me al lthe time that I am eating for four, and gives me 3 kisses to send down to the babies. I am not superstitious but, jeez, I hope he isnt jinxing me! Not that that is possible. I will be absolutely greatful with whatever I am having, and feel blessed that I am even pregnant in the first place. But I do prefer to have one baby at a time. He has me worried that I am carrying three! With how hungry I am I wouldnt doubt it!

My vision doesnt help at all. This is what I cant stop picturing: I have been on Clomid which enhances ovulation but I wasnt on it because of not ovulating. So I picture it making me superovulate. Then, during surgery they found that my ovaries were fused together with other organs. So, what I am picturing is that all these months I have been trying to ovulate but because my ovaries were fused the eggs couldnt come out. Then, my ovaries were freed and I am picturing all these backed up eggs bursting out and getting fertilized. I know that medically, I am probably waaaay off, but I still keep picturing that. I wish I was getting an ultra sound at my first appointment. I would really like to know how many babies are in there. I am sure it is only one, but I have this nagging image in the back of my head!

A slew of emotions

My current slew of emotoins:

Happy- I dont even know if happy is the word for it. Take happy and multiply it by a hundred. What word is that? I find myself smiling every day lately. I am so happy that this miracle has finally happened.

Amazed- I am amazed at everything going on inside of me that I cant even feel. Everyday I read about what development is going on and, even though I know all babies go through this same development, I cant help telling my baby "wow, you are soooo amazing! You are working so hard every day to develop! You are truly miraculous and strong!" I am amazed at all that is going on in such a tiny little being.

Sad- I am sad for everyone out there that is still fighting the infertility battle. Sad that so many havent gotten their miracle yet. I find myself thinking of them often.

Scared- I'm afraid at being so happy in the first trimester. I am terrified of miscarriage, I am not sure I could cope with that. I am not convinced I am strong enough to handle that. I cant wait to get through the next couple months so I feel more safe.

Excited- I am excited for my Mom. She has waited for this for just as long as I have. She has been there for me through it all, and the one person that I could talk about all my feelings, even the ones I was slightly ashamed of. She is excited for me, too. I am so greatful I have her to share this joy and miracle with.

Anxious- I am anxious to hear the heartbeat, anxious to feel it kick, anxious to know if I am having a boy or girl, and most of all, anxious to know if I am carrying one or more. I have been on Clomid which increases ovulation. But I wasnt on it becuase of not ovulating. So, the vision I have going through my head is.... I was on Clomid for five months increasing ovulation but had problems with my ovaries. Once I had the surgery and all was fixed I envision all those eggs bursting out and getting fertilized. I know I am probably way off but I cant get that though out of my mind. I will be happy with whatever I have. I am not sure how prepared I am for multiples, but I will have plenty of time to get ready. Besides, are you ever REALLY ready for several babies at once? Especially like 4 or 5! I am thinking that if it is more than one that it is two, no more.

So those are my emotions right now. With the way I am going these days, I'll have a whole different list tomorrow!

Symptoms

Today I am 4weeks and 6 days pregnant. Almost 5 weeks. I got my first 'congrats' card in the mail today. Very sweet from my sister-n-law. She is always sooooo good about sending cards right away for everything.

Reading a fellow bloggers post gave me the idea for this post. Check out Selmada's blog. Hers is about cravings, or the lack thereof. I am going to write about symptoms. I secretly want to feel the symptoms of pregnancy because that is the only way I can 'feel' pregnant. I am sure that if I get bad morning sickness I am going to kick myself for saying this, but I want to FEEL pregnant. Here are the things I am feeling:

Hungry, ummm, CONSTANTLY! I go from fine to famished in about four seconds! The problem is that nothing ever sounds good. Once I am hungry I know I need to eat, and I need to eat NOW but I can't think of anything that sounds good. I am definitely NOT craving anything. Since nothing sounds good I have been eating pretty healthy so that is good.

Tender breasts- usually, the weak before AF shows up, my breasts are extremely sore. I have to hold them when I walk up and down the stairs so they don't bounce even the slightest little bit. This month, the week before they never got tender or sore. "How lucky!' I thought. Until yesterday, then Surprise! they hurt again. So now I feel like I do just before AF.

Tired-somewhat. Last week I was in Dallas all week for work and I was definitely ready to go to bed around 9:00, but that could have just been because of busy days. The last couple days I am tired but I dont know if it is a lot more than normal, I dont really think so.

So, am I crazy for secretly hoping for some symptoms? Probably, but I just want to 'feel' pregnant.

I am so anxious to start buying stuff too! I was looking around online today and ordered a couple maternity items that were clearanced from Mimi Maternity. Here are pics:








They are quite patterned! Of course I will pair each of them with something solid to tone it down a bit. I wont be into maternity clothes for awhile but I thought they were good deals so I thought I would take advantage of it.

Who I told first and how

I decided to just change the name of this blog instead of starting a new pregnancy blog. I just rearranged the words from Is conceiving conceivable? to Conceiving IS conceivable!

Now that I have more time I will start with the stories of who and how I told about my long awaited pregnancy. I had planned to tell my husband in a really clever, unique way but I was WAAAY too excited! I took the test at 6am. After my negative test the day before, I really had no hope of it being positive. Even though I didnt think it was positive, I still had my eyes on the test the whole time it was thinking. I pretended to do other things, but really I couldnt quit looking at the test. I kept making deals with myself..."I am not going to look at the test until I am done brushing my hair" but really my eyes kept darting over to the test. That one little thing had the potential to change my life forever, or seal my depression for the next month. I put so much faith into that one little test stick. Finally, even though I didnt keep up my end of the deal and kept looking at the test, it gave me the best news ever! In middle of half-heartedly brushing my hair, while my eyes were glued to the test it went from flashing a clock indicating that I had to wait because it was still thinking about it, the word PREGNANT showed on the digital screen, clear as can be. The emotions that rushed through me brought immediate tears to my eyes. I was excited, shocked, and couldn't believe my wait was over. I finally got my wish. I am finally going to be a Mommy. I was so excited my first instinct told me to run into the bedroom to share the greatest news with my husband. My hand only hesitated on the doorhandle for a moment. In my head I was thinking that I wanted to tell him in a really cool way. And if I couldn't think of something really cool I wanted to wrap the positive test and tell him I had a surprise for him. That is the whole reason I wanted to get the digital test, so he would know as soon as he saw it, so I wouldn't have to explain to him what the lines or plus sign means.

Like I said, I only hesitated for a moment before dismissing the whole idea of doing something clever to tell him the news. I was too excited, I couldn't hold it in even long enough to wrap the little present. Instead, I ran into the bedroom, threw on the light and woke him. I knelt by the bed, with tears in my eyes, holding the test stick in front of him with the word clearly visible: PREGNANT. John kind of squinted at it for a minute, still letting his eyes adjust to the sudden burst of light, and asked "What does that mean?" I wasn't sure if he was still sleeping, couldn't see the readout on the screen of the test, or really didn't realize that all the charting, timed intercourse, and testing would eventually result in a pregnancy. In the end he said he couldnt see what it said because I wasn't tilting it so he could see the word.

I wanted to call everyone I know to tell them the news. Sadly, it was only about 6:10am by this time and most of who I know wouldn't even be thinking of getting up yet. So I had to wait. Soon after the initial excitement, we had to get ready to go vote for our new president. I am so happy that my baby will be born with Barack Obama leading the country. I am happy my baby will be born in a nation that is breaking down stereotypes, prejudices, and narrow mindedness.

We voted on the way to the airport. I was flying to Dallas for work and would be gone almost a week. It was disappointing to have to leave my husband right after finding out. But I survived the week and now home happily enjoying the excitement with my husband.
_____________________

The other person that I was really excited to tell was my Mom. My Mom and I are very close as I stated here. I had a little more time to think of something creative to tell her. I have been making Christmas cards and she wanted to see some so I told her I would send her some (she lives about 3 hours away from me).

First, I have to give a bit of background. When she was in her 20's she was married to an older man who had grandkids. So, through marriage she had grandkids but was too young to be called Grandma. Her name is Kym so they called her Kimma. Now, my brother has a child (her grandson) that started calling her Mommymae when he was little.

Ok, back to the story of how I told my Mom. I sent her one of the Christmas cards I made and on the inside I wrote:

You've been a Kimma,
You've been a Mommymae,
Will you be my Grandma?
-From your new Grandchild
Estimated arrival date 7/14/09

The only problem with mailing her something is that I had to wait a couple days before telling her! It was the longest two days of my life!! I tried ignoring her calls or keeping them short saying I was busy. I did tell her that I finally sent the cards she wanted to see and that there was something else in it that is really important. On the day she was supposed to get it in the mail I was talking to her on her way home from work. I told her to go right in the house and get the card I sent. She said she had to feed the animals and do a couple other things before getting dark. I assured her that it was really important and she had to go in right away. It was driving me nuts to not tell her, I didnt want to wait even an extra half hour. She called me back a couple minutes later and squeaked at me. She couldn't talk because she was crying and shocked and amazed. She said it never even crossed her mind that that was the surprise. I am so proud of myself for not caving and telling her before getting the card. She will probably keep that card forever!

I am still shocked!

I know many of you were waiting for this post last Tuesday. The delay is because I had to vote then fly to Dallas on Tuesday for a conference and just got home. Ok, so on Tuesday.... I woke up super early because I was so anxious to test..... and..... what a HUGE surprise I got my first positive pregnancy test!!!!! So, yup, I am FINALLY pregnant!! I am sooooo ecstatic! It kind of stinks that I found out then had to jump on a plane and be out of town all week instead of being with my husband, but I am home now and we can share the excitement together.

I know a lot of people, for their own reasons, hold off telling people about the pregnancy. Not me!!! I have waited too long for this! I have told soooo many people! Not to mention, as soon as I told my Mom she called absolutely EVERYONE!

I thank you all for your support through this journey. I wish I had started blogging sooner. I am not sure yet if I am going to create a new pregnancy blog or if I will just continue writing about my pregnancy on this one.

Tuesday's anticipation

I am a little worried about Tuesday. Tuesday is a big day for me. 1. voting day 2. I fly to Dallas for 5 days for a conference 3. I can take a pregnancy test 4. AF may show up if #3 isnt positive. I have a lot going on Tuesday. I am so worried about how it is all going to go down. The whole reason I went in for surgery is because I had EXTREMELY painful periods, mostly on the first day. If I start on Tuesday instead of getting a + pregnancy test then while I am traveling I am going to have horrible cramps. If my ovulation this month is any indication, it is going to be worst than normal. When I ovulated this month I had really bad ovulation pain, I figured it is because all the rooting around inside around my ovaries, not to mention all the cutting around my ovaries! So, I am worried that my cramps this month will be worse, too. I dont just get cramps. I get nausea, vimiting, dizziness, and basically feel like I just want to lay and do NOTHING other than vomit. I am worried I will feel this way while I am standing in line to vote (estimates are that it can be up to a four hour wait), and on a plane and in airports during layover.



Hopefully the opposite will be true. Hopefully, I will test Thursday morning and it will be positive. It will stink that I will immediately after testing be out of town for 5 days and not with my husband, but that would be SO much better than the alternative.



So, if all goes well on Tuesday (I need all the fingers crossed and prayers I can get) I want to think of a unique way to tell my husband. Any ideas?