The Journey

I decided to start this blog to get out my feelings and frustrations about NOT being pregnant. Let me start at the beginning...

My husband and I met a little over 6 years ago. We instantly knew we had something special and decided to live together very early in our relationship. And although we have had some bumps along the way (some mere speed bumps and others major potholes!) we really have a great life together. We were married on October 18th 2007 on the beach in Mexico. I could not have asked for a more perfect wedding!

Before getting married we discussed starting a family and both agreed that we wanted to start as soon as we got married. We lived together for five years before getting married so we didnt feel like we needed to 'enjoy married life' first. We already had five great years to enjoy each other, work on our careers, and work out all the kinks in our relationship. We were ready to move on to the next chapter... parenthood. So... as soon as we got engaged we weren't really TRYING to get pregnant, but we weren't really preventing it either. And once we got married, we really started trying.

Let me tell you a little about me. I was born to be a mom. I have devoted almost my entire life to children as a teacher, director of child development centers, and now an infant and toddler specialist for YMCA of the USA. My education is about children, my career is about children, and my everyday life is about wanting children, getting ready for children, and trying to have children. I have also married a man whom I know will be such a fantastic father, and he is really ready for that next step, too. We cannot wait to become parents.

So... as soon as we got married I started charting my cycles. I started reading books (Taking Charge of Your Fertility is a great book! Thanks, Julie, for loaning it to me!) and taking my temperature every morning, peeing on sticks every month to see if I am 'about to ovulate', taking prenatal vitamins, eating right, and drinking right (no wine during the time I 'could be pregant' between ovuation and mensing, which for those that know that I make wine was not my most favorite thing to give up!).

Each month after ovulating I was very excited because I COULD be pregnant. I thought about the excitement, the due date, what season I would be hugely pregnant, if I am getting enough folic acid to promote healthy brain development, I talked about it constantly with my husband (he has been soooo patient with all my pregnancy talk and hasnt acted bored with the conversations at all! What a sensitive husband). I counted the number of high temperatures on my charts, excited that in 5, 4, 3 ... more days I can take a pregnancy test. And then I would think about how I would tell my Mom, my friends, my family all the important people in my life. I thought about how to paint the babies room, what kind of furniture I want in there, what kind of care I will choose for my child while I work, the school district we live in... I thought about EVERY imaginable that has to do with starting a family.

Then my temperature would drop, and when your pregnant it stays high. So I thought the thermometer is faulty, beause clearly I am pregnant! Afterall, I have ALL the signs and we did everything we could have and at the right times. So out to the store I would go to buy a new thermometer (I now have 6 or 7 thermometers!) Then after the temperature dropped I would start spotting or start spotting and then my temperature would drop.

I tried, I really did, to not let it get to me each month. I really tried to say, "oh well, we'll try again next month". But saying that doesnt really help. Each month I am soooo dissappointed that I misread the signs and vow to quit reading into everything that COULD be a sign, and each month I vow to not get my hopes up. But it doesnt really help, I am still really upset each time I start my period indicating that I am again NOT pregnant.

Sometimes I feel like no one really understands how frustrated it can be but I know others are in my same situation. And others have had difficulties getting pregnant, so I know I am not alone but sometimes it feels like it. And sometimes I dont want to hear that others are in the same situation becuase sometimes I wanna feel like I am the only one feeling like this and no ones situation is like mine and no one understands how it feels. Sometimes I am just feeling selfish and only care about my own situation and I dont care about anyone else's situation! But really I do care and dont want anyone else to be in this situatoin.

Ok, so after quite a few months of charting my cycles I started noticing that the time between ovulating and my uterus 'shedding the lining' was not long enough. So that means, even if I am getting pregnant each month there is not enough time for the fertilized egg to implant itself on the side of my uterus. The lining is being shed too early and the egg gets flushed out with my mestruation. So I went to my doctor, who looked at my charts and knew there was something wrong (which I knew but didnt want to admit, hearing it from a doctor really made me face it). So I went to an OB/GYN and she put me on Clomid, a fertility drug.

So far, the Clomid hasnt worked...but maybe this month. And again I am going to tell myself that I am not going to look at every symptom as a sign of pregnancy, and I am not going to get my hopes up. But ya know what? I probably am, and I am probably going to be dissappointed when I dont get pregnant again.