waiting...

I am in that horrible two weeks of waiting. The time between ovulating and peeing on a stick hoping for a "pregnant" on the readout. Two weeks of no alcohol (I can handle that), no caffeine (a bit harder to handle), no lunch meat (at least I like pb&j), no soft cheeses (this is the hardest one, I LOVE cheese!), eating lots of folic acid and taking prenatal vitamins. And waiting.... each day seams like a week. Each morning I wake up, immediately stick a thermometer in my mouth and pray that the temperature stays high. And I wait.... for another day to go by, one day closer to an answer to the always present question "Am I pregnant"? During all the waiting, I am also analyzing. I analyze my energy level. If I have one day feeling a bit more tired than usual I think surely that is a sign. I analyze my boobs, I almost will my boobs to be tender becuase that is another sign. I analyze any sick feeling and I hope for nausea becuase... yup, you guessed, another sign. All these unpleasant feelings that most people dont want to happen, I pray for them to so I have some hope that I am pregnant this month. I dont know why I do this to myself, I am so dissappointed when I find out I am not. I hate waiting... I just want to know one way or another. I am only on day two of the two week wait, how am I ever going to last another 12 days?

I get to pee on a stick (POS) on my birthday. It's funny how POS brings such joy to me. I love when I wake up and get to POS, it makes me feel like I am doing something instead of just waiting. Whether I POS to determine if I am ovulating or to determine if I am pregnant I feel like I am getting answers instead of just waiting. I am a little bummed each morning that I wake up and dont get to POS. I almost miss it during the wait between ovulation and expected aunt flow visit. So I get to POS on my birthday. It may be the BEST birthday of my life, or it may start with some bad news. If it does start with a negative test, I'll handle it. I assume that I am not pregnant, so it will be dissappointing but not anything I won't be prepared for.

I really like this whole blog thing. I started it yesterday and posted twice and had to keep myself from posting all day. It is such a great way of getting out the feelings I have been keeping to myself. Even if no one reads it I feel so good getting out my frustrations. I have been reading other blogs, too. I realize that my story isnt NEARLY as bad as many others. I have only been TTC (trying to conceive) for a year, some others have been TTC for 3, 5, 10, even 12 years! I dont even know how I would feel if I am in this same boat 3 years from now. I dont think I could be in this situation 12 years from now, I would be institutionalized instead!

In my current job I spend a lot of time researching infant development; emotional, social, physical, cognitive, and brain development. I feel like as I research and attend conferences I am constantly preparing to be a Mommy, which doesnt help. Usually people can dive into their work in order to forget for a little while, but I cant. Even my career is a constant reminder about what I am missing.

Wow, this blog is becoming quite long. I already admitted I may become obsessed with blogging! I will try not to post 5 more blogs today, but I'm not guarenteeing anything!